Don’t Panic!
OK, OK. A few parents and grandparents finally figured out what we’ve been doing for years—Damn the Pandemic—and, maybe even with some inside help—Woe to them when we find them!—published the truth.
I know that to simple people this looks terrible, but calm down. Deep breaths, team. We’ve been here before, and we know exactly what to do.
From years of practice, the first step is always to blame them. They’re the divisive ones! Intolerant of new ideas. They hate everyone not like them. Racists. Bigots. Fundamentalists. Intolerant. They just want to oppress everyone. We’ve held lots of training seminars on this, and you’re all good at it, so crank up the “blame the conservatives” at every level, in and out of the classroom.
Then, of course: They stole the information! The examples may be true, but they had no right to copy them and show them to everyone. Those ideas are too important to just share openly. They can only be properly explained and taught to students by enlightened people like us. They had no right. We’ll sue them, when we find them.
And, finally, we play the “They’re all cowards hiding behind anonymity” card. Who are they? How can these examples be real if we don’t know who they are?
I just hope a few of them actually do step out, so we can kick their kids out of school and work with their employers to ruin their careers. What morons, on the wrong side of everything important. Who do they think they are, to speak out against us?
So, this is just a little bump in the road. It will blow over, and we’ll all keep our jobs, especially if the Board stays cool with what our Advisors tell them are best practices. Look at the upside: If we play it right, we should be able to justify at least one more high-paying DEI position from all this hubbub.
And in a few weeks we’ll remind parents that if they want their kids—especially their white, previously privileged sons–to have any hope of making it to the best colleges, they need to graduate from Wokeminster. Then, like always, they won’t care what else we teach them.
So, relax. Unless more parents, grandparents, teachers and Board members join them in asking questions, this crowd will go away, like they always have in the past. And we can all go back to transforming this generation of students into the woke warriors for progressive truths that our nation so needs.
Thank you for your service.