The Alumni Magazine
Damage Control Edition

Wow! You folks on the Editorial Team at The Alumni Magazine knocked it out of the park with the Spring/Summer 2022 edition. Well done. Congratulations!

Not a single reference to the usual things we crow about: our Pride Week, LGBTQ+ advocacy, our Gender Identification programs, Critical Race Theory instruction, our DEI Budget, White Supremacy outing, Transgender adulation, BLM support, sexual desensitizing, or telling students how to vote…nothing! Nada. THANK YOU!

And then all the positive reporting on the school’s history, emphasizing our Christian foundations. And how we admitted the first Black students in 1967. 

Even the wedding pictures all appear to be boringly heterosexual couples! So Retro, but so needed right now.

And our allies love it. The Head of our Accrediting Agency was brimming with praise on the phone this morning, and our Headhunters are already planning to use several articles on their website.

As I read through this edition, I felt like it could have been from 1977, not 2022, just as we asked you.

You may all be young white menstruating people, but you rose to the challenge and thought just like the older, conservative white-male dominated generation whom we battle daily, and you gave them just what they need to see and to read.

Thanks to your hard work, many alumni and parents will again sleep well tonight, reassured that we’re still the “same old school.” And they’ll keep giving and giving.

With this great cover you’ve provided, it will be much easier to hide our fall lessons and curriculum from parents and grandparents, because they won’t be looking. 

I’m sure we’ll soon be back on track with fund raising, and when school reopens, we’ll be back on schedule with our progressive educational programs, molding the next generation of social warriors into such better people that their parents won’t even recognize them.

Our Staff Planning Sessions have been the best ever—we already have several early assemblies planned which focus on our students’ sense of Belonging, and on cultivating Joy. Standby for more! It should be a great year.

Thank you again.

Don’t Poke the Bears!

No, no, no. Didn’t you get my last directive?

I said to chill for the rest of the school year, so we could slide quietly into summer without any more hubbub from the few traditionalist families still attending—and giving—here. And Board members.

Who authorized the Wedding Celebration? And then put the announcement online with that picture? When was the last time we hosted a wedding celebration for a faculty member? Did we have to do this right now, and on campus?

Look, we all know this is genuinely wonderful and the leading edge of the future world of total equity and inclusion that we’re leading our students to.

But, trust me, there are still some parents and donors who may agree with us on personal freedom, but then hypocritically don’t want women who know they’re men or men who know they’re women or people who aren’t sure about either and have tattoos all over them teaching their children about all that.

I know, incredible. Backward. Stupid. But they’re still out there, and we just didn’t need to poke those Mama and Papa Bears right now with that picture, when we’re so close to finishing.

I hate to say it, but we still need their tuition and their gifts so we can keep receiving our great salaries, and also of course so we can keep improving their children for a new world they’ll never understand or accept.

And some of them are now even calling and asking about all the faculty members leaving the school. One called it a stampede. Another asked if they’re abandoning a sinking ship! Idiots. They don’t realize that we have plenty of new, young, better teachers, teed up by our consultants, who can’t wait to join a progressive force like ours.

But I have to be careful. I just can’t say that to everyone. So I waste a lot of time calming down parents and Board members, telling them that everything’s fine, and convincing them to keep their children in our program, which we all know will be best for them.

So, please, chill. Think. Be woke, but don’t wake up these sleeping bears to what we’re actually teaching their children with any more pokes. Your paycheck may depend on it. Thank you. 

Almost Done

We’ve almost made it to the end of another productive school year, and none too soon. Thank you for your hard work in transforming the children of oppressor, bigoted parents into progressive, enlightened, gender-aware young people ready to follow our lead to true Equity and Inclusion in America. You’ve done a great job, despite sometimes difficult interference, and a lot of unwanted scrutiny.

Hopefully the current crop of Seniors will graduate without either them or their parents voicing any issues with our mission or our methods. These parents, particularly the ones with white-oppressor sons, should be very grateful that we helped get most of them into halfway decent schools—without us, where would their boys be?

If any of the parents make any ungrateful remarks after their kids are gone, we’ll still of course know their friends and relatives with kids in school, and we know where they work. Since most large employers now share our vision for a better America, we’re learning to work together to cull out the jobs of anyone with bigoted ideas—anyone who attacks our school.

But we’re going through a momentarily difficult patch, and I need your help.

Can you believe that a few of the remaining traditional families have stirred up so much controversy with their lying, thieving website that even some Board members and large donors are starting to question the motives for the important work we do?

And they’re apparently even talking about us down at that two-bit barber shop, where the few remaining conservatives hang out, as if we cared.

It probably wasn’t best when our school administrator found students who had just turned eighteen and encouraged them to vote for the candidates we all knew to be the best. Her/his/their intentions were good, but it looks to some with small minds like we violated IRS rules for non-profits. Ridiculous. There’s even a lawsuit, but I’m sure it’ll blow over.

And we need a large number of new faculty members this fall, because so many of our experienced teachers are leaving. Please help us maintain “Christian School” appearances while we go through the hiring process. Actually, when you think about it, with our hand-picked headhunters and consultants in place, I’m sure the next crop of teachers will be even younger and totally committed to the truths of Progressive Education. So, it’s just a minor blip, and we’re expecting a great group of new, on-mission teachers to more than fill in the gaps.

The bottom line: Chill for the next few weeks in the classroom and on social media. Don’t give them any more exaggerated examples to complain about. Then we’ll flush out another class with too many traditional-values families, add more progressive faculty and students in the fall, and keep transforming these children into the unquestioning followers we know are so important for the nation’s future under our enlightened leadership.

The obvious truths of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion now run almost every aspect of our nation, from Boardrooms to the Pentagon, thanks in large part to your hard work. Thank you.

Minimizing Masculinity in Ukraine Support

Ukrainian Heresies and Himesies

I know, I know. Several of you have quietly asked me about how to deal with the upsetting, patriarchal, oppressor statements coming out of Ukraine, which, unless countered, could undermine all the truths we’ve been teaching our students for years.

Like, “Men must stay and fight for their country and for their families.” Or “Women and children should seek safety in the West.”

No one even disputes these stereotyped statements! Not even our own government spokespeople. They just accept them and go on. Terrible.

And Ukrainian mothers and fathers are actually acting like they may have different roles in the midst of this crisis, when we of course know that men and women are interchangeable, with no differences. Equity in Everything.

I get it. And, worse yet, the statements by some in the Old School media that Ukraine is the “Bible Belt of Europe,” with “traditional values” that are holding their country together despite the worst aggression in eighty years. As if faith, beliefs and values could stand up to tanks and rockets. Crazy, I know.

But, look, I think we’ve got to let the current focus cool down a bit before we come back with the truth, or we’ll be unfairly criticized by our own know-nothings.

So, I suggest you begin working now on talking points for, say, next fall, when presumably the war will be over, and we can point our students back to Equity, and away from these antiquated gender-stereotypes.

Hopefully by then our friends in the media will have developed footage of Ukrainian women killing Russians, and of Ukrainian men taking care of their children, both of which we’ll emphasize in our classes.

So, please, just be patient. These Stereotyped Oppressor Lies will pass, and Equity will again reign. After all, what good would it do for Ukraine to win the war, but then lose the important principle of Equity in Everything?

Valequitorians

I want to apologize to everyone in DEI Leadership that we were not sensitive enough to catch the trigger oppression inherent in our regressive tradition of naming a “Boy” and a “Girl” Valedictorian in the High School again this year.

We will do better next year, and we’d like your input so that we can improve the grading system for next fall.

To insure that we achieve the school’s goal of total Equity, by how many groups should we record grades? For example, POC (People of Color)/BIO Female/Straight, POC/BIO Female/Lesbian, POC/BIO Female/Bi, POC/ID Female/Bi, POC/ID Female/Straight, POC/ID Female/Lesbian, POC/Other?  And then the same distinctions for Asian, Latino and White “formerly girls”? Then formerly boys.

Are there any other categories to help make sure that no one is again oppressed in the area of personal achievement and recognition?

We also plan to hold separate Honors Days next year, one for the Oppressed Group and one for the Oppressor Group, with only students and parents from each group allowed to attend their group’s celebration, to minimize any harmful trigger feelings.

We slipped up this year, and we again apologize. But perfect Equity is our goal, we’re spending millions to achieve it (and of course most of that money comes to us!), and with your help we’ll get there. Keep the faith.

And think about how far we’ve come—this place used to have, if you can believe it, a Girls’ School and a Boys’ School! Incredible. Thankfully, we’ve now progressed far beyond those simplistic, repressive stereotypes.

Don’t Panic!

OK, OK. A few parents and grandparents finally figured out what we’ve been doing for years—Damn the Pandemic—and, maybe even with some inside help—Woe to them when we find them!—published the truth.

I know that to simple people this looks terrible, but calm down. Deep breaths, team. We’ve been here before, and we know exactly what to do.

From years of practice, the first step is always to blame them. They’re the divisive ones! Intolerant of new ideas. They hate everyone not like them. Racists. Bigots. Fundamentalists. Intolerant. They just want to oppress everyone. We’ve held lots of training seminars on this, and you’re all good at it, so crank up the “blame the conservatives” at every level, in and out of the classroom.

Then, of course: They stole the information! The examples may be true, but they had no right to copy them and show them to everyone. Those ideas are too important to just share openly. They can only be properly explained and taught to students by enlightened people like us. They had no right. We’ll sue them, when we find them.

And, finally, we play the “They’re all cowards hiding behind anonymity” card. Who are they? How can these examples be real if we don’t know who they are?

I just hope a few of them actually do step out, so we can kick their kids out of school and work with their employers to ruin their careers. What morons, on the wrong side of everything important. Who do they think they are, to speak out against us?

So, this is just a little bump in the road. It will blow over, and we’ll all keep our jobs, especially if the Board stays cool with what our Advisors tell them are best practices. Look at the upside: If we play it right, we should be able to justify at least one more high-paying DEI position from all this hubbub.

And in a few weeks we’ll remind parents that if they want their kids—especially their white, previously privileged sons–to have any hope of making it to the best colleges, they need to graduate from Wokeminster. Then, like always, they won’t care what else we teach them.

So, relax. Unless more parents, grandparents, teachers and Board members join them in asking questions, this crowd will go away, like they always have in the past. And we can all go back to transforming this generation of students into the woke warriors for progressive truths that our nation so needs.

Thank you for your service.

Mission Statement

As we on the inside know, Wokeminster School is dedicated to the belief that if left to their own families and religious institutions, children will grow up to believe in the old suspect story of a personal God, and in their own ability to achieve and to excel, irrespective of their background.

Only an inclusive Christian school like ours can create the right environment to first attract and then to transform the children of Judeo-Christian Oppressor Groups into the wise, progressive, anti-racist citizens our country so needs to insure social justice and true equity in the next generation.

So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to replace Wokeminster’s previous Christian mission with the mission of social justice.

Our institution employs primarily young faculty and staff—many of whom are themselves Oppressed—who teach and exemplify the truths of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion in every aspect of their lives.

It’s taken years of work with the most awoke consultants and advisors, but we’re proud to report that the Board funded our DEI Endowment with millions of dollars! And more to come. It’s amazing what mostly older white people will do when they’re afraid their school will not measure up to “best practices”!

Students and parents who cannot embrace the importance of uniformity around these goals are asked to leave, because our truth must be protected from critique or criticism. We know the truth, and we will teach it to every student, to ensure that the Oppressed are set free at last.

Identity

Ask any Accrediting Agency, and you’ll learn that Identity is a complicated concept. Students need culturally competent teachers to help them navigate the nuances of teenage life. Those cast in the Oppressor Groups of whites, males, heterosexuals and Christians must, after renouncing their own privilege, remain on constant vigil to call out other Oppressors and to sacrifice. Everyone else should be taught to embrace their Oppressed identity. They should learn exactly who they are and how they have been marginalized by American society. The ultimate goals are social justice and denouncing anyone who would hold these students accountable as individuals. Convincing students who attend a $35K per year school that they are oppressed may be a tough sell, but we will do it.

Sexuality—LBGTQ+–TransGender: Woke Up and Be Sexual

Going beyond the too-little-too-late Christianesque teaching of loving and accepting every individual, and in keeping with the teachings of the Ivy League’s religious scholars, our goal is for our students to celebrate the freedom to explore every type of sexual orientation and activity, at almost any age, through a constant offering of sexually-charged reading assignments, classroom discussions, groupings, and targeted activities.

Anything which contradicts this worldview, particularly traditional values taught in families or churches, must be called out, denounced, and forcefully corrected. If anyone—student, parent or teacher—persists in opposing these enlightened truths, they must be removed from our campus before they do real harm to the innocent and unprivileged.

Critical Race Theory—BLM—Gender Diversity

The Christian claim of individual responsibility, choice, redemption and salvation is a smokescreen used by the privileged to cover up the truth that there are only two groups in any society: the Oppressors and the Oppressed.

America was founded by privileged White males who only succeeded by oppressing Blacks, Women and Native Americans, and they used their Christian faith and the Constitution to insure their power. The nearly 600,000 mostly White male Union casualties during the Civil War, fighting to free enslaved Black Americans–which frankly has never happened in any other country, before or since–was of course a nice gesture on their part, but was soon overshadowed by the harsh realities of Reconstruction, as we always teach in American Woke History.

Individual responsibility, achievement and choices don’t matter in a society bent on keeping the Oppressed in their place. A few of many high achieving African-Americans are trotted out occasionally by their Oppressors to give false hope, while the Oppressors actually work constantly to keep the majority of the brothers and sisters in their place.

Individuals don’t matter. Groups oppress groups. We must teach our students that only the Enlightened who understand this truth can pass laws and punish offenders to create not the ruse of Equality, but the justice of Equity. Anyone, white, black, male or female, who disagrees with the obvious truth of Critical Race Theory must be pushed aside.

Excellence

Every administrator and faculty member must remember that the lie of “individual achievement” has been used since the nation’s founding to cover up the truth that the oppressing group of White, Christian, Heterosexual Males has always insured that only their own members actually succeed. One generation selects the next in guaranteed succession.

At every level they let in a few from oppressed groups to perpetuate the smokescreen, but overall they remain in control. No one ever really succeeds by their own ability, education or hard work—the system is rigged so that old-school teachers, mentors and bosses will maintain the oppression.

The nation’s only hope is that our generation of enlightened educators will disregard individual grades, skills and achievements, and instead constantly elevate previously oppressed groups above their oppressors, which is why so many of you in my Administration are women.

It has been my honor as a white, heterosexual male to remain in complete control of this process, while making an incredible amount of money, to insure your future success.

Christian Faith

Of course we are a Christian school. We believe that God is love and that Jesus preached we should love all people.

We follow Paul’s teaching that love is the greatest spiritual gift, and we remind our students of James’ teaching that faith without action is meaningless.

We believe in Christian action to show our love for all people by actively promoting justice, inclusion, and equity.

Happily these outcomes are supported by people with a wide range of other faiths, and with no faith. So we constantly partner with them, and readily learn from them, to insure that our students help to create a better world without any claim to false Christian exclusion. We are all equal in God’s eyes. To love means to include.

Politics

Political Power leads to Real Power, so controlling the vote is the key to America’s future. This generation of students must believe without question the obvious truth that only enlightened leaders and their government can save their group from the tyranny of oppression by the privileged power structure. With this truth embedded at an early age, they, their families, and their identity groups will vote to keep Enlightened Leaders like us in power for decades to come, will denounce privilege wherever they find it, and will insure hope for our nation.

Administration and Faculty

Our greatest mission is of course keeping ourselves in really well paying jobs with great benefits and prestige. But our second mission is producing activists who will dismantle Thomas Jefferson’s white power lies and rebuild our society into an equitable and just nation without oppression.

Toppling the white, heterosexual meritocracy and eliminating the teachings of Christianity designed to oppress the unsuspecting requires activism, starting in the classroom. Educators must infuse classroom time with political dialogue that shows students how wrong and bigoted their parents and church leaders really are.

It’s easy to work politics into our classrooms, even in classes like math and French, because our textbooks and teaching materials already do so. Classroom assignments can “out” conservative students who can be directed to do the work of self-reflection. Even the random remarks we make about hateful Trump voters or narrow-minded fundamentalists or the wealth gap can help to mold our students into forward-thinking and compassionate global citizens.

Because it is so important, sometimes we have to break down the traditional boundaries that keep politics out of the classroom. When you have a white Christian male student offering his privilege-soaked opinions about “working your way to the top” or “the Constitution” or “unborn children,” we have to step in and stand up against hate speech. This means we point out how “the Right” has fueled white rage, which came to power in the Trump presidency and almost destroyed the nation in the January 6th Insurrection.

Occasionally we must go even further: Staff with access to student records can identify and mobilize student voters for key elections. Admissions can require essays on books whose proceeds benefit political efforts. We encourage our colleagues to be creative and to grow beyond the old boundaries! Creating empathetic global citizens with grit requires new ideas and new approaches.

And of course it also requires us to be in control.

Parents and Grandparents

If parents or grandparents push back or complain about our Curriculum on race, gender, equity, faith, politics, or any other important subject, the easiest response is simply to remind them that Wokeminster must be accredited in order for their children to be accepted at a great college, and that the Southern Association of Independent Schools, our accrediting agency, requires this teaching. So it’s not really us—it’s our Accreditors.

Of course, as you know, we do embellish their requirements a bit, but so do all school leaders if they want to get ahead. Anyway, if that answer doesn’t satisfy them and they persist in their questions, please let us know; we’ll take appropriate action to assure their compliance, or their exit.

White Male Expectations

The bill for White Male Oppression in America is finally coming due, so you should start now to manage the expectations of our White parents with sons. They probably don’t realize it yet, but because corporate America and the professions are not hiring many white males to leadership career tracks, graduate schools, law schools and medical schools are not accepting many white males, protecting their job placement rates.

For that reason, the best colleges and universities, so as not to impact their graduation statistics, are not accepting many white male students. White parents and their sons should therefore accept the fact that individual achievement and excellence will no longer assure getting into a good school—if you are a white male, you are an oppressor, and the tables have finally turned, so get used to it.

To The Parents of Female Athletes

While the transition to the better world we are creating will only impact the sons of our white and Asian families when they apply to colleges, any of your daughters who are also athletes may have to make some adjustments while at the school.

Clearly the rights and needs of previously Oppressed Transgender Athletes require that we welcome biological males who now identify as females onto all our Girls Athletics Teams.

And when your daughters compete on our Wokeminster teams in any sport, they should expect to enjoy taking on Transgender People as their opponents from other schools.

We know you will support the school as we help usher in the better world of gender fluidity, even if it means your daughter may not win as many events as she would have in the old days when people still believed that boys are boys and girls are girls. Thankfully, those ignorant days are far behind us.

Preparing for the Interview

When you apply your child for a private school, the Headmaster is likely to ask you the following question:

Berlin, 1934. “We teach that all Jews are scum because of their genetics and should be avoided or punished. It’s who they are at birth. Does your family agree?”

Atlanta, 2022. “We teach that all white people are oppressors because of their skin color and must renounce their white supremacy. It’s who they are at birth. Does your family agree?”